UC-NRLF 


' 


• 


ARE  You  A  BROMIDE? 

OR, 

THE  SULPHITIC  THEORY 


EXPOUNDED     AND     EXEMPLIFIED     ACCORDING 

TO   THE   MOST   RECENT   RESEARCHES 

INTO   THE    PSYCHOLOGY    OF 

BOREDOM 

Including  many  well-known  Bromidioms 
now  in  use 


BY 

GELETT  BURGESS,  S.B. 

Author  of  "Goops  and  How  to  Be  Them,"  "The 
Burgess  Nonsense  Book,"  "  Vivette,"  &c.,  &c. 


WITH    DECOKATIOXS    BY    THE    AUTHOR 

NEW  YORK  S  v     OF  TH 
B.  W.   HUEBSCpuNIVER 
1909 


COPYRIGHT,  1906,  BY 
ESS  ESS  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 

COPYRIGHT,  1906,  BY 
B.  W.  HUEBSCH 


First  Printing,  October,  1906 
Second  Printing,  November,  1906 
Third  Printing,  December,  1906 
Fourth  Printing,  February,  1907 
Fifth  Printing,  June,  1907 
Sixth  Printing,  February,  1908 
Seventh  Printing,  January,  1909 


NOTE 

This  essay  is  reprinted,  with  revision* 
and  additions,  from  "The  Sulphitic 
Theory"  published  in  "The  Smart  Set'1 
for  April,  1906,  by  consent  of  the  editors. 


S'00155 


GERTRUDE  McCALL 

CHATELAINE   OF  MAC   MANOB 


AND    DISCOVERER   OF 

THE  SULPHITIC  THEORY 


ARE  YOU  A  BROMIDE? 


THE  terms  "Bromide"  and 
"Sulphite"  as  applied  to 
psychological  rather  than 
chemical  analysis  have  already  be 
come,  among  the  illuminati,  so 
widely  adopted  that  these  denomi 
nations  now  stand  in  considerable 
danger  of  being  weakened  in  sig 
nificance  through  a  too  careless  use. 
The  adjective  "  bromidic "  is  at 
present  adopted  as  a  general  vehi 
cle,  a  common  carrier  for  the 
thoughtless  damnation  of  the  Phil 
istine.  The  time  has  come  to  for- 


mulate,  authoritatively,  the  precise 
scope  of  intellect  which  such  dis 
tinctions  suggest  and  to  define 
the  shorthand  of  conversation 
which  their  use  has  made  practi 
cable.  The  rapid  spread  of  the 
theory,  traveling  from  Sulphite  to 
Sulphite,  like  the  spark  of  a  pyro 
technic  set-piece,  till  the  thinking 
world  has  been  over-violently  il 
luminated,  has  obscured  its  genesis 
and  diverted  attention  from  the 
simplicity  and  force  of  its  funda 
mental  principles.*  In  this,  its 
progress  has  been  like  that  of 
slang,  which,  gaining  in  popular 
ity,  must  inevitably  decrease  in 
aptness  and  definiteness. 


*It  was  in  April  that  I  first  heard  of  the  Theory 
from  the  Chatelaine.  The  following  August,  in 
Venice,  a  lady  said  to  me:  "Aren't  these  old  palaces 
a  great  deal  more  sulphitic  in  their  decay  than 
they  were  originally,  during  the  Renaissance  ?" 


10 


In  attempting  to  solve  the  prob 
lem  which  for  so  long  was  the  de 
spair  of  philosophers  I  have  made 
modest  use  of  the  word  "  theory." 
But  to  the  Sulphite,  this  simple, 
convincing,  comprehensive  expla 
nation  is  more;  it  is  an  opinion, 
even  a  belief,  if  not  a  credo.  It  is 
the  crux  by  which  society  is  tested. 
But  as  I  shall  proceed  scientifi 
cally,  my  conclusion  will,  I  trust, 
eff ect  rational  proof  of  what  was 
an  a  priori  hypothesis. 


The  history  of  the  origin  of  the 
theory  is  brief.  The  Chatelaine 
of  a  certain  sugar  plantation  in 
Louisiana,  in  preparing  a  list  of 
guests  for  her  house-party,  dis 
covered,  in  one  of  those  explosive 
moments  of  inspiration,  *  that  all 
people  were  easily  divided  into  two 


11 


fundamental  groups  or  families, 
the  Sulphites  and  the  Bromides. 
The  revelation  was  apodictic,  con 
vincing;  it  made  life  a  different 
thing ;  it  made  society  almost  plau 
sible.  So,  too,  it  simplified  hu 
man  relationship  and  gave  the  first 
hint  of  a  method  by  which  to  ad 
just  and  equalize  affinities.  The 
primary  theorems  sprang  quickly 
into  her  mind,  and,  such  is  their 
power,  they  have  attained  almost 
the  nature  of  axioms.  The  dis 
covery,  indeed,  was  greater,  more 
far-reaching  than  she  knew,  for, 
having  undergone  the  test  of 
philosophical  analysis  as  well  as  of 
practical  application,  it  stands, 
now,  a  vital,  convincing  interpre 
tation  of  the  mysteries  of  human 
nature. 


We  have  all  tried  our  hands  at 
categories.  Philosophy  is,  itself, 
but  a  system  of  definitions.  What, 
then,  made  the  Chatelaine's  theory 
remarkable,  when  Civilization  has 
wearied  itself  with  distinctions? 
The  attempt  to  classify  one's  ac 
quaintance  is  the  common  sport  of 
the  thinker,  from  the  fastidious 
who  says:  "There  are  two  kinds 
of  persons — those  who  like  olives 
and  those  who  don't,"  to  the  fatu 
ous,  immemorial  lover  who  says: 
"There  are  two  kinds  of  women — 
Daisy,  and  the  Other  Kind!" 


Previous  attempts,  less  fantas 
tic,  have  had  this  fault  in  common: 
their  categories  were  susceptible  of 


gradation  —  extremes  fused  one 
into  the  other.  What  thinking 
person  has  not  felt  the  need  of 
some  definite,  final,  absolute  classi 
fication?  We  speak  of  "my  kind" 
and  "the  other  sort,"  of  Those  who 
Understand,  of  Impossibles,  and 
Outsiders.  Some  of  these  cate 
gories  have  attained  considerable 
vogue.  There  is  the  Bohemian 
versus  the  Philistine,  the  Radical 
versus  the  Conservative,  the  In 
teresting  versus  the  Bores,  and  so 
on.  But  always  there  is  a  shifting 
population  at  the  vague  frontier 
— the  types  intermingle  and  lose 
identity.  Your  Philistine  is  the 
very  one  who  says:  "This  is  Lib 
erty  Hall!" — and  one  must  drink 
beer  whether  one  likes  it  or  not. 
It  is  the  conservative  business  man, 
hard-headed,  stubborn,  who  is  con 
verted  by  the  mind-reader  or  the 
spiritualistic  medium  —  one  ex 
treme  flying  to  the  other.  It  is  the 


^     VJi 

iS 


bore  who,  at  times,  unconsciously 
to  himself,  amuses  you  to  the  point 
of  repressed  laughter.  These 
terms  are  fluent — your  friends 
have  a  way  of  escaping  from  the 
labeled  boxes  into  which  you  have 
put  them;  they  seem  to  defy  your 
definitions,  your  Orders  and  Gen 
era.  Fifteen  minutes'  considera 
tion  of  the  great  Sulphitic  Theory 
will,  as  the  patent  medicines  say, 
convince  one  of  its  efficacy.  A 
Bromide  will  never  jump  out  of 
his  box  into  that  ticketed  "Sul 
phite." 


So  much  comment  has  been 
made  upon  the  terminology  of  this 
theory  that  it  should  be  stated 
frankly,  at  the  start,  that  the  words 


Sulphite  and  Bromide,  and  their 
derivatives,  sulphitic  and  bromidic, 
are  themselves  so  sulphitic  that 
they  are  not  susceptible  of  expla 
nation.  In  a  word,  they  are  em 
pirical,  although,  accidentally  it 
might  seem,  they  do  appeal  and 
convince  the  most  skeptical.  I 
myself  balked,  at  first,  at  these  in 
consequent  names.  I  would  have 
suggested  the  terms  "Gothic"  and 
"Classic"  to  describe  the  funda 
mental  types  of  mind.  But  it  took 
but  a  short  conversation  with  the 
Chatelaine  to  demonstrate  the  fact 
that  the  words  were  inevitable, 
and  the  rapid  increase  in  their  use 
has  proved  them  something  more 
real  than  slang — an  acceptable  and 
accepted  terminology.  Swallow 
them  w^hole,  therefore,  and  you 
will  be  so  much  better  for  the  dose 
that,  upon  finishing  this  thesis  you 
will  say,  "Why,  of  course  there  are 
no  other  words  possible!" 


16 


Let  us,  therefore,  first  proceed 
with  a  general  statement  of  the 
theory  and  then  develop  some  of 
its  corollaries.  It  is  comparatively 
easy  to  define  the  Bromide;  let  us 
consider  his  traits  and  then  classify 
the  Sulphite  by  a  mere  process  of 
exclusion. 


In  this  our  world  the  Bromides 
constitute,  alas!  by  far  the  larger 
group.  In  this,  the  type  resembles 
the  primary  bodies  of  other  sys 
tems  of  classification,  such  as  the 
Philistines,  the  Conservatives,  the 
Bores  and  so  on,  ad  nauseam.  The 
Bromide  does  his  thinking  by  syn 
dicate.  He  follows  the  main-trav 
eled  roads,  he  goes  with  the  crowd. 
In  a  word,  they  all  think  and  talk 
alike — one  may  predicate  their 
opinion  upon  any  given  subject. 


17 


They  follow  custom  and  costume, 
they  obey  the  Law  of  Averages. 
They  are,  intellectually,  all  ptas  in 
the  same  conventional  pod,  unen 
lightened,  prosaic,  living  by  rule 
and  rote.  They  have  their  hair 
cut  every  month  and  their  minds 
keep  regular  office-hours.  Their 
habits  of  thought  are  all  ready- 
made,  proper,  sober,  befitting  the 
Average  Man.  They  worship 
dogma.  The  Bromide  conforms 
to  everything  sanctioned  by  the 
majority,  and  may  be  depended 
upon  to  be  trite,  banal  and  arbi 
trary. 


So  mucK  has  a  mere  name 
already  done  for  us  that  we  may 
say,  boldly,  and  this  is  our  First 
Theorem:  that  all  Bromides  are 
bromidic  in  every  manifestation 


18 


of  their  being.  But  a  better  com 
prehension  of  the  term,  and  one 
which  will  perhaps  remove  the 
taint  of  malediction,  will  be  at 
tained  if  we  examine  in  detail  a 
few  essential  bromidic  tendencies. 
The  adjective  is  used  more  in  pity 
than  in  anger  or  disgust.  The 
Bromide  can't  possibly  help  being 
bromidic — though,  on  the  other 
hand,  he  wouldn't  if  he  could. 


The  chief  characteristic,  then, 
seems  to  be  a  certain  reflex  psycho 
logical  action  of  the  bromidic 
brain.  This  is  evidenced  by  the  ac 
cepted  bromidic  belief  that  each  of 
the  ordinary  acts  of  life  is,  and 
necessarily  must  be,  accompanied 
by  its  own  especial  remark  or  opin 
ion.  It  is  an  association  of  ideas 
intensified  in  each  generation  by 


tHe  continual  correlation  of  certain 
groups  }f  brain-cells.  It  has  be 
come  not  only  unnecessary  for  him 
to  think,  but  almost  impossible,  so 
deeply  these  well-worn  paths  of 
thought  have  become.  His  intel 
lectual  processes  are  automatic 
— his  train  of  thought  can  never 
get  off  the  track. 


A  single  illustration  will  suffice 
for  analysis.  You  have  heard  it 
often  enough;  fie  upon  you  if  you 
have  said  it! 

"If  you  saw  that  sunset  painted 
in  a  picture,  you'd  never  believe  it 
would  be  possible!" 


20 


It  must  be  borne  distinctly  in 
mind  that  it  is  not  merely  because 
this  remark  is  trite  that  it  is  bro- 
midic;  it  is  because  that,  with  the 
Bromide,  the  remark  is  inevitable. 
One  expects  it  from  him,  and  one 
is  never  disappointed.  And,  more 
over,  it  is  always  offered  by  the 
Bromide  as  a  fresh,  new,  apt  and 
rather  clever  thing  to  say.  He 
really  believes,  no  doubt,  that  it  is 
original — it  is,  at  any  rate,  neat, 
as  he  indicates  by  his  evident 
expectation  of  applause.  The  re 
mark  follows  upon  the  physical  or 
mental  stimulus  as  the  night  the 
day ;  he  cannot,  then,  be  true  to  any 
other  impulse.  Originality  was 
inhibited  in  him  since  his  great- 
grandmother's  time.  He  has  "got 
the  habit." 


BE 


Accepting  his  ijresponsibility, 
and  with  all  charity  to  his  unde 
veloped  personality,  we  may  note 
a  few  other  examples  of  his  mental 
reflexes.  The  list  is  long,  but  it 
would  take  a  /large  encyclopaedia 
to  exhaust  the  subject.  The  pas 
time,  recently  come  into  vogue,  of 
collecting  Bromidioms,*  is  a  pur 
suit  by  itself,  worthy  enough  of 
practice  if  one  appreciates  the 
subtleties  of  the  game  and  does 
not  merely  collate  hackneyed 
phrases,  irrespective  of  their  true 
bromidic  quality.  For  our  pur 
pose  in  elucidating  the  thesis  in 
hand,  however,  we  need  cull  but  a 
few  specimens,  leaving  the  list  to 
be  completed  by  the  reader  at  his 
leisure. 


*Por  this  apt  and  cleverly  coined  word  I  am  In 
debted  to  Mr.  Frank  O'Malley  of  the  New  York 
"Sun,**  who  has  been  one  of  the  most  ardent  and 
discriminating  collectors  of  Bromidioms. 


f        V       -  »^-   IP"  *• -  ^-  yi^»-y»^-         * 

If  you  both  happen  to  know  Mr. 
Smith  of  DesMoines,  the  Bromide 
inevitably  will  say: 

"This  world  is  such  a  small 
place,  after  all,  isn't  it?" 

The  Bromide  never  mentions 
such  a  vulgar  thing  as  a  birth,  but 

"The  Year  Baby  Came." 

The  Bromide's  euphemisms  are 
the  slang  of  her  caste.  When  she 
departs  from  her  visit,  she  says : 

"I've  had  a  perfectly  charming 
time." 

"It's  SO  good  of  you  to  have 
asked  me!" 

"Now,  DO  come  and  see  us!" 

And  when  her  caller  leaves,  her 
mind  springs  with  a  snap  to  fasten 
the  time-worn  farewell: 

"Now  you  have  found  the  way, 
do  come  often!" 


And  this  piece  of  ancient  cynic 
ism  has  run  through  a  thousand 
changes: 

j  "Of  course  if  you  leave  your 
umbrella  at  home  it's  sure  to  rain!" 

But  comment,  to  the  Sulphite, 
is  unnecessary.  These  remarks 
would  all  be  in  his  Index  Epurga- 
torius,  if  one  were  necessary.  Ex 
cept  in  jest  it  would  never  even 
occur  to  him  to  use  any  of  the  fol 
lowing  remarks: 


I. 

"I  don't  know  much  about  Art, 
but  I  know  what  I  like." 

II. 

My  mother  is  seventy  years  old, 
she  doesn't  look  a  day  over 

fifty" 


III. 

"That  dog  understands  every 
word  I  say" 

IV. 

"You'll  feel  differently  about 
these  things  when  you're  married!" 

V. 

,    "It  isn't  money,  it's  the  PRIN 
CIPLE  of  the  thing  I  object  to." 

VI. 

"Why  aren't  there  any  good 
stories  in  the  magazines,  nowa 
days?" 

VII. 

"I'm  afraid  I'm  not  educated  up 
to  Japanese  prints." 

VIII. 

"The  Japanese  are  such  an  in 
teresting  little  people!' 


IX. 

No,    I    don't    play    chess.    I 
haven  t  got  that  kind  of  a  brain/' 

X. 

"No,  I  never  intend  to  be  mar 
ried/' 

XL 

"I  thought  I  loved  him  at  the 
time,  but  of  course  it  wasn't  really 
love/' 

XII. 

"Funny  how  some  people  can 
never  learn  to  spell!" 

XIII. 

"If  you'd  only  come  yesterday, 
this  room  was  in  perfect  order/' 

XIV. 

/  don't  care  for ,  money — it's 
what  I  can  do  with  it." 


XV. 

V     "I  really  oughtn't  to  tell  this, 
f^but  I  know  you  understand/' 

XVI. 

"Why,  I  know  you  better  than 
you  know  yourself!" 

XVIL 

"Now,  this  thing  really  hap 
pened!" 

XVIII. 

"It's  a  great  compliment  to  have 
a  child  fond  of  you" 

XIX. 

"The  Salvation  Army  reaches  a 
class  of  people  that  churches  never 
do." 

XX. 

"It's  bad  enough  to  see  a  man 
drunk — but,  oh!  a  woman!'( 


w\ 

I 


XXI. 

"If s  a  mistake  for  a  woman  to 
marry  a  man  younger  than  herself 
— women  age  so  much  faster  than 
men.  Think  what  shell  be>  when 
he's  fifty!" 

XXII. 

SfOf  course  if  you  happen  to 
want  a  policeman,  there's  never 
one  within  miles  of  you" 

XXIII. 

"It  isn't  so  much  the  heat  (or 
the  cold),  as  the  humidity  in  the 
air." 

XXIV. 

"This  tipping  system  is  terrible, 
but  what  can  one  do  about  it?" 

XXV. 

"I  don't  know  what  we  ever  did 
without  the  telephone!" 


'After  I've  shampooed  my  hair 
cant  do  a  thing  with  it!" 

XXVII. 

"I  never  read  serials." 

XXVIII. 

"No,  let  me  pay!  I've  got  to 
change  this  bill  anyway" 

XXIX. 

"You're  a  sight  for  sore  eyes!" 

XXX. 

"Come  up  and  see  us  any  time. 
You'll  have  to  take  pot-luckf  but 
you're  always  welcome." 

XXXI. 

"There  are  as  many  chances  to 
get  rich  in  real  estate  as  there  ever 
were — if  you  only  knew  where 
to  find  them" 


29 


XXXII. 

"I'd  rather  have  a  good  horse 
than  all  the  automobiles  made" 


XXXIII. 

"The  price  of  autos  is  bound  to 
come  down  sooner  or  later,  and 
then  you  won't  see  horses  except 
in  menageries'3 

XXXIV. 

"I'd  rather  go  to  a  dentist  than 
have  my  photograph  taken." 

XXXV. 

"Did  you  ever  know  of  a  famous 
man's  son  who  amounted  to  any- 
thing?'9 

XXXVI. 

"The  most  ignorant  Italian 
laborer  seems  to  be  able  to  appre 
ciate  art." 


UNIVERSITY    3 


XXXVII. 

ffl  want  to  see  my  own  country 
before  I  go  abroad" 

XXXVIII. 

"Yes,  but  you  can  live  in  Europe 
for  half  what  you  can  at  home." 

XXXIX. 

"You  can  live  twenty  years  in 
New  York  and  never  know  who 
your  next-door  neighbor  is" 

XL. 

"No,  Fd  just  as  lief  stand;  I've 
been  sitting  down  all  day" 

XLI. 

"Funny  how  people  always  con 
fide  their  love-affairs  to  me!" 


XLII. 

I'd  rather  be  blind  than  deaf— 
it's  such  a  tax  on  your  friends." 


XLIIL 

ffl  haven't  played  a  game  of  bil 
liards  for  two  years,  but  I'll  try, 
just  for  the  fun  of  it" 

XLIV. 

"If  you  could  only  write  stories 
the  way  you  tell  them,  you'd  make 
your  fortune  as  an  author" 

XLV. 

"Nothing  can  stop  a  cold,  unless 
you  take  it  right  at  the  start" 

XL  VI. 

"He's  told  that  lie  so  often  that 
he  believes  it  himself,  now." 

XL  VII. 

"If  you  stay  here  a  year  you'll 
never  want  to  go  back." 

XL  VIII. 

"Don't  worry;  that  won't  help 
matters  any" 


32 


Sulphites  are  agreed  upon  most 
of  the  basic  facts  of  life,  and  this 
common  understanding  makes  it 
possible  for  them  to  eliminate  the 
obvious  from  their  conversation. 
They  have  found,  for  instance, 
that  green  is  restful  to  the  eyes, 
and  the  fact  goes  without  saying, 
in  a  hint,  in  a  mere  word.  They 
are  aware  that  heat  is  more  dis 
agreeable  when  accompanied  by  a 
high  degree  of  humidity,  and  do 
not  put  forth  this  axiom  as  a  sen 
sational  discovery.  They  have  no 
ticed  the  coincidences  known  as 
mental  telepathy  usual  in  corre 
spondence,  and  have  long  ceased 
to  be  more  than  mildly  amused  at 
the  occurrence  of  the  phenomenon. 
They  do  not  speak  in  awe-struck 
*  voices  of  supernatural  apparitions, 
for  of  all  fiction  the  ghost  story  is 
most  apt  to  be  bromidic,  nor  do 
they  expect  others  to  be  impressed 
by  their  strange  dreams  any  more 


than  with  their  pathological  symp 
toms.  Hypnotism,  they  are  con 
vinced,  has  attained  the  standing 
of  a  science  whose  rationale  is 
pretty  well  understood  and  estab 
lished,  and  the  subject  is  no  longer 
an  affording  subject  for  anecdote. 
Sulphites  can  even  listen  to  tales 
of  Oriental  magic,  miraculously- 
growing  trees,  disappearing  boys 
and  what-not,  without  suggesting 
that  the  audience  was  mesmerized. 
Above  all,  the  Sulphite  recognizes 
as  a  principle  that,  if  a  story  is 
really  funny,  it  is  probably  untrue, 
and  he  does  not  seek  to  give  an  ad 
juvant  relish  to  it,  by  dilating  with 
verisimilitude  upon  the  authentic 
ity  of  the  facts  in  the  case.  But 
your  Bromide  is  impressive  and 
asserts,  "I  knew  the  man  that 
died !"  The  Sulphite,  too,  has  little 
need  for  euphemisms.  He  can 
speak  of  birth  and  death  without 
metaphor. 


But  to  the  Bromide  all  such 
matters  of  fact  and  fancy  are  per 
petually  picturesque,  and,  a  dis 
coverer,  he  leaps  up  and  shouts  out 
enthusiastically  that  two  and  two 
are  four,  and  defends  his  statement 
with  eloquent  logic.  Each  scene, 
each  incident  has  its  magic  spell — 
like  the  little  woolly  toy  lamb,  he 
presses  the  fact,  and  ffba — ba!"  the 
appropriate  sentiment  comes  forth. 
Does  he  have,  back  in  the  shadows 
of  his  mind,  perhaps,  the  ghost  of  a 
perception  that  the  thing  has  been 
said  before?  Who  can  tell!  But, 
if  he  does,  his  vanity  exorcises  the 
spirit.  Bromides  seldom  listen  to 
one  another;  they  are  content  with 
talk  for  talk's  sake,  and  so  escape 
all  chance  of  education.  It  is  this 
fact,  most  likely,  which  has  en 
dowed  the  bromidiom  with  immor 
tality.  Never  heard,  it  seems  al 
ways  new,  appropriate,  clever. 

it  isn't  so  much  the  things 


35 


they  say,  as  the  way  they  say  them! 
Do  you  not  recall  the  smug,  confi 
dent  look,  the  assurance  of  having 
said  a  particularly  happy  thing? 
They  come  inevitably  as  the  alarm 
clock;  when  the  hands  of  circum 
stance  touch  the  hour,  the  bromidic 
remark  will  surely  go  off. 


But,  lest  one  make  too  much  of 
this  particular  symptom,  let  us 
consider  a  few  other  tendencies. 
The  Bromide  has  no  surprises  for 
you.  When  you  see  one  enter  a 
room,  you  must  reconcile  yourself 
to  the  inevitable.  No  hope  for 
flashes  of  original  thought,  no  illu 
minating,  newer  point  of  view,  no 
sulphitic  flashes  of  fancy — the 
steady  glow  of  bromidic  conversa 
tion  and  action  is  all  one  can  hope 


for.  He  may  be  wise  and  good, 
he  may  be  loved  and  respected — 
but  he  lives  inland;  he  puts  not 
forth  to  sea.  He  is  there  when  you 
want  him,  always  the  same. 

Bromides  also  enjoy  pathologi 
cal  symptoms.  They  are  fond  of 
describing  sickness  and  death-bed 
scenes.  "His  face  swelled  up  to 
twice  its  natural  size!"  they  say,  in 
awed  whispers.  They  attend  fu 
nerals  with  interest  and  scrutiny. 


We  are  all  born  with  certain 
bromidic  tendencies,  and  children 
are  the  greatest  bromides  in  the 
world.  What  boy  of  ten  will  wear 
a  collar  different  from  what  his 
school-mates  are  all  wearing?  He 
must  conform  to  the  rule  and  cus 
tom  of  the  majority  or  he  suffers 
fearfully.  But,  if  he  has  a  sul- 


EBi 


phitic  leaven  in  his  soul,  adoles 
cence  frees  him  from  the  tyranni 
cal  traditions  of  thought.  In  cos 
tume,  perhaps,  men  still  are  more 
bromidic  than  women.  A  man  has, 
for  choice,  a  narrow  range  in  gar 
ments — for  everyday  wear  at  most 
but  four  coats,  three  collars  and 
two  pairs  of  shoes. 

Fewer  women  become  Sulphites. 
The  confession  is  ungallant  and 
painful,  but  it  must  be  made.  We 
have  only  to  watch  them,  to  listen 
— and  to  pity. 

But  stay!  If  there  is  anything 
in  heredity,  women  should  be  most 
sulphitic.  For  of  all  Bromides 
Adam  was  the  progenitor,  while 
Eve  was  a  Sulphite  from  the  first! 

Alice  in  Wonderland,  however, 
is  the  modern  type — a  Bromide 
amidst  Sulphites. 


What,  then,  is 

that  is  harder  to  deneT  A  Sul 
phite  is  a  person  who  does  his  own 
thinking,  he  is  a  person  who  has 
surprises  up  his  sleeve.  He  is  ex 
plosive.  One  can  never  foresee 
what  he  will  do,  except  that  it  will 
be  a  direct  and  spontaneous  mani 
festation  of  his  own  personality. 

You  cannot  tell  them  by  the 
looks.  Sulphites  come  together 
like  drops  of  mercury,  in  this  bro- 
midic  world.  Unknown,  unsus 
pected  groups  of  them  are  scat 
tered  over  the  earth,  and  we  never 
know  where  we  are  going  to  meet 
them — like  fireflies  in  Summer, 
like  Americans  in  Europe.  The 
Bromide  we  have  always  with  us, 
predicating  the  obvious.  The  Sul 
phite  appears  uncalled. 


But  you  must  not  jump  to  the 
conclusion  that  all  Sulphites  are 
agreeable  company.  This  is  no 
classification  as  of  desirable  and 
undesirable  people.  The  Sulphite, 
from  his  very  nature,  must  con 
tinually  surprise  you  by  an  unex 
pected  course  of  action.  He  must 
explode.  You  never  know  what 
he  will  say  or  do.  He  is  always 
sulphitic,  but  as  often  impossible. 
He  will  not  bore  you,  but  he  may 
shock  you.  You  find  yourself 
watching  him  to  see  what  is  coming 
next,  and  it  may  be  a  subtle  jest, 
a  paradox,  or  an  atrocious  viola 
tion  of  etiquette. 


All  cranks,  all  reformers,  and 
most  artists  are  sulphitic.  The  in 
sane  asylums  are  full  of  Sulphites. 
They  not  only  do  ordinary  things 


40 


in  unusual  ways,  but  they  do  un 
usual  things  in  ordinary,  ways. 
What  is  more  intensely  siilphitic 
than,  when  you  have  said  your 
farewells,  to  go  immediately?  Or, 
as  you  swim  out  to  rescue  a  drown 
ing  girl,  to  keep  your  pipe  burn 
ing,  all  the  while?  They  do  not 
attempt  to  "entertain"  you,  but  let 
you  choose  your  own  pastime. 
When  they  present  a  gift,  it  has 
either  rhyme  or  reason  to  it.  Their 
letters  are  not  passed  about  to  be 
read  by  the  family. 


Hamlet  was  a  Sulphite;  Polon- 
ius  a  Bromide.  Becky  Sharp  was 
sulphitic;  Amelia  Sedley  bromidic. 
So  we  might  follow  the  line  of 
cleavage  between  the  two  groups 
in  Art,  Religion  and  Politics. 
Compare,  for  instance,  President 


.£ 


Roosevelt  with  his  predecessor  in 
office — the  Unexpected  versus  the 
sedate  Thermometer  of  Public 
Opinion.  Compare  Bernard  Shaw 
with  Marie  Corelli — one  would 
swear  that  their  very  brains  were 
differently  colored!  Their  epi 
grams  and  platitudes  are  merely 
the  symptoms  of  different  methods 
of  thought.  One  need  not  consult 
one's  prejudice,  affection  or  taste 
— the  Sulphitic  Theory  explains 
without  either  condemning  or 
approving.  The  leopard  cannot 
change  his  spots. 


But  if,  along  with  these  con 
trasts,  we  take,  for  example, 
Lewis  Carroll  as  opposed  to  Dr. 
Johnson,  we  are  brought  up 
against  an  extraordinary  incon 
sistency.  It  is,  however,  only  an 


apparent  paradox — beneath  it  lies 
a  vital  principle.  Dr.  Johnson 
was,  himself,  a  Sulphite  of  the  Sul 
phites,  but  how  intensely  bromidic 
were  his  writings!  One  yawns  to 
think  of  them.  As  for  Lewis  Car 
roll,  in  his  classic  nonsense,  so  sul- 
phitic  as  often  to  be  accused  by 
Bromides  of  having  a  secret  mean 
ing,  his  private  life  was  that  of  a 
Bromide.  Read  his  biography  and 
learn  the  terrors  of  his  formal,  set 
entertainments  to  the  little  girls 
whom  he  patronized!  They  knew 
what  to  expect  of  him,  and  he 
never,  however  agreeably,  disap 
pointed  them.  No,  unfortunately 
a  Sulphite  does  not  always  pro 
duce  sulphitic  art.  How  many 
writers  we  know  who  are  more  in 
teresting  than  their  work!  How 
many  who  are  infinitely  less  so! 
Your  professional  humorist  is 
usually  a  dull,  melancholy  fellow 
in  his  private  life — and  a  clergy- 


man  may  preach  infant  damnation 
and  be  a  merry  father  at  home. 


Such  considerations  point  inevi 
tably  to  the  truth  that  our  theory 
depends  essentially  not  upon 
action  or  talk,  but  upon  the  qual 
ity  and  rationale  of  thought.  It 
is  a  question  of  Potentiality, 
rather  than  of  Dynamics.  It  is 
the  process  of  reasoning  which 
concerns  us,  not  its  translation  into 
conduct.  A  man  may  be  a  devoted 
supporter  of  Mrs.  Grundy  and  yet 
be  a  Sulphite,  if  he  has,  in  his 
own  mind,  reached  an  original 
conclusion  that  society  needs  her 
safeguards.  He  may  be  the  wild 
est-eyed  of  Anarchists  and  yet 
bromidic,  if  he  has  accepted  an 
other's  reasons  and  swallowed  the 
propaganda  whole. 


44 


It  will  be  doubtless  through  a 
misconception  of  this  principle 
that  the  first  schism  in  the  3ul- 
phitic  Theory  arises.  Already  the 
cult  has  become  so  important  that 
a  newer  heretic  sect  threatens  it. 
These  protestants  cannot  believe 
that  there  is  a  definite  line  to  be 
drawn  between  Sulphites  and  Bro 
mides,  and  hold  that  one  may  par 
take  of  a  dual  nature.  All  such 
logic  is  fatuous,  and  founded  upon 
a  misconception  of  the  Theory. 


There  is,  however,  a  subtlety 
which  has  perhaps  had  something 
to  do  with  confusing  the  neophyte. 
It  is. this:  Sulphitism  and  Bro- 


midism  are,  symbolically,  the  two 
halves  of  a  circle,  and  their  ex 
tremes  meet.  One  may  be  so  ex 
tremely  bromidic  that  one  be 
comes,  at  a  leap,  sulphitic,  and 
vice  versa.  This  may  be  easily 
illustrated. 


Miss  Herford's  inimitable  mon 
ologues,  being  each  the  apotheosis 
of  some  typical  Bromide — a  shop 
girl,  a  country  dressmaker,  a  bar 
gain-hunter  and  so  on — become, 
through  her  art,  intensely  sulphitic. 
They  are  excruciatingly  funny, 
just  because  she  represents  types 
so  common  that  we  recognize  them 
instantly.  Each  expresses  the 
crystallized  thought  of  her  par 
ticular  bromidic  group.  Done, 
then,  by  a  person  who  is  herself  a 


Sulphite  par  excellence,  the  result 
is  droll.  "One  has,"  says  Emer 
son,  "but  to  remove  an  object  from 
its  environment  and  instantly  it 
becomes  comic." 


The  same  thing  is  done  less  ar 
tistically  every  day  upon  the 
vaudeville  stage.  We  love  to 
recognize  types ;  and  what  Brown 
ing  said  of  beauty: 

We're  made  so  that  we  love 
First,  when  we  see  them  painted, 
Things  we  have  passed 
Perhaps  a  hundred  times  nor  cared  to  see 

can  be  easily  extended  to  our  sense 
of  humor  in  caricature.  A  recent 
hit  upon  the  variety  stage  does  still 
more  to  illustrate  the  problem. 
The  "Cherry  Sisters"  aroused  im- 


mense  curiosity  by  an  act  so  bro- 
midic  as  to  be  ridiculous.  Were 
they  rank  amateurs,  doing  their 
simple  best,  or  were  they  clever 
artists,  simulating  the  awkward 
crudeness  of  country  girls?  That 
was  the  question.  In  a  word,  were 
they  Sulphites  or  Bromides? 

What  such  artists  have  done 
histrionically,  Hilaire  Belloc  has 
done  exquisitely  for  literature  in 
his  "Story  of  Emmanuel  Burden." 
This  tale,  affecting  to  be  a  serious 
encomium  upon  a  middle  class 
British  merchant,  shows  plainly 
that  all  satire  is,  in  its  essence,  a 
sulphitic  juggling  with  bromidic 
topics.  It  is  done  unconsciously 
by  many  a  simple  rhymester  whose 
verses  are  bought  by  Sulphites  and 
read  with  glee. 


In  tKe  terminology  of  our 
theory  we  must,  therefore,  include 
two  new  terms,  describing  the 
variation  of  intensity  of  these  two 
different  states  of  mind.  The  ex 
tremes  meet  at  the  points  of  Nitro- 
Bromidism  and  Hypo-Sulphitism, 
respectively.  Intensity  of  Bro- 
midism  becomes,  then,  Nitro-Bro- 
midism,  and  we  have  seen  how, 
through  the  artist's,  or  through  a 
Sulphite's  subtle  point  of  view, 
such  Nitro-Bromide  becomes  im 
mediately  sulphitic. 


By  a  similar  reasoning,  a  Hypo- 
Sulphite  can,  at  a  step,  become 
bromidic.  The  illustration  most 
obvious  is  that  of  insanity.  We 
are  not  much  amused,  usually,  by 
the  quaint  modes  of  thought  ex 
hibited  by  lunatics  and  madmen. 


It  cannot  be  denied,  however,  that 
their  processes  of  thought  are  sul- 
phitic;  indeed,  they  are  so  wildly 
original,  so  fanciful,  that  we  must 
denominate  all  such  crazed  brains, 
Hypo-Sulphites.  Such  persons 
are  so  surprising  that  they  end  by 
having  no  surprises  left  for  us. 
We  accept  their  mania  and  cease 
to  regard  it;  it,  in  a  word,  becomes 
bromidic.  So,  in  their  ways,  are 
all  cranks  and  eccentrics,  all  whose 
set  purpose  is  to  astonish  or  to 
shock.  We  end  by  being  bored  at 
their  attitudes  and  poses. 


The  Sulphite  has  the  true 
Gothic  spirit;  the  Bromide,  the  im 
pulse  of  the  classic.  One  wonders, 
relishing  the  impossible,  manifest- 


I  A 

|  UNIVERSITY   \ 


ing  himself  in  characteristic,  spon 
taneous  ways;  the  other  delights 
in  rule  and  rhythm,  in  ordered 
sequences,  in  authority  and  prece 
dent,  following  the  law.  One 
carves  the  gargoyle  and  ogrillion, 
working  in  paths  untrod,  the  other 
limits  himself  to  harmonic  ratios, 
balanced  compositions,  and  to  pre 
destined  f  enestration.  One  has  a 
grim,  naif,  virile  humor,  the  other 
a  dead,  even  beauty.  One  is  hot, 
the  other  cold.  The  Dark  Ages 
were  sulphitic — there  were  wild 
deeds  then;  men  exploded.  The 
Renaissance  was  essentially  bro- 
midic;  Art  danced  in  fetters,  men 
looked  back  at  the  Past  for  in 
spiration  and  chewed  the  cud  of 
Greek  thought.  For  the  Sul 
phite,  fancy;  for  the  Bromide, 
imagination. 


51 


From  the  fifteenth  century  on, 
however,  the  wave  of  Sulphitism 
rose  steadily,  gradually  dropping 
at  times  into  little  depressions  of 
Euphuistic  manners  and  intervals 
of  "sensibility"  but  climbing,  with 
the  advance  of  science  and  the 
emancipation  of  thought  to  an 
ideal — the  personal,  original  in 
terpretation  of  life.  The  nine 
teenth  century  showed  curiously 
erratic  variations  of  the  curve. 
From  its  beginning  till  1815,  Sul 
phitism  was  upon  the  increase, 
while  from  that  year  till  1870 
there  was  a  sickening  drop  to  the 
veriest  depths  of  bromidic  thought. 
Then  the  Bromide  infested  the 
earth.  With  his  black- walnut  fur 
niture,  his  jig-saw  and  turning- 
lathe  methods  of  decoration,  his 
lincrusta- walton  and  pressed  terra 
cotta,  his  chromos,  wax  flowers, 
hoop  skirts,  chokers,  side  whiskers 
and  pantalettes,  went  a  horrific 


52 


revival  of  mock  modesty  inspired 
by  the  dying  efforts  of  the  old 
formulated  religious  thought.  And 

then when  steam  had  had  its 

day,  impressing  its  materialism 
upon  the  world;  making  what 
should  be  hard,  easy,  and  what 
should  be  easy,  hard — came  elec 
tricity — a  new  science  almost  ap 
proaching  a  spiritual  force,  and, 
with  a  rush,  the  telephone  that 
made  the  commonplace  bristle  with 
romance!  The  curve  of  sulphit- 
ism  arose.  A  wave  of  Oriental 
thought  lifted  many  to  a  curious 
idealism — and,  as  so  many  other 
centuries  had  done  before,  there 
came  to  the  nineteenth  a  fin  de 
si&cle  glow  that  lifted  up  the 
curve  still  higher.  The  Renais 
sance  of  thought  came — came  the 
cult  of  simplicity  and  Mission 
furniture  —  corsets  were  aban 
doned — the  automobile  freed  us 
from  the  earth — the  Yellow  Book 


began,  MYS.  Eddy  appeared,  ra 
dium  was  discovered  and  appendi 
citis  flourished. 


So  there  are  bromidic  vegeta 
bles  like  cabbage,  and  sulphitic 
ones  like  garlic.  The  distinction, 
once  understood,  applies  to  almost 
everything  thinkable.  There  are 
bromidic  titles  to  books  and  stories, 
and  titles  sulphitic.  "The  Some 
thing  of  Somebody"  is,  at  pres 
ent,  the  commonest  bromidic  form. 
Once,  as  in  "The  Courting  of 
Dinah  Shadd"  and  "The  Damna 
tion  of  Theron  Ware,"  such  a  title 
was  sulphitic,  but  one  cannot  pick 
up  a  magazine,  nowayears,  with 
out  coming  across  "The  

of  "     As  most  magazines 

are   edited   for  Middle  Western 
Bromides,  such  titles  are  inevita- 


ble.  I  know  of  one,  with  a  million 
circulation,  which  accepted  a  story 
with  the  sulphitic  title,  "Thin  Ice," 
and  changed  it  to  the  bromidic 
words,  "Because  Other  Girls  were 
Free."  One  of  O.  Henry's  first 
successful  stories,  and  perhaps  his 
best  humorous  tale,  had  its  title  so 
changed  from  "Cupid  a  la  carte'' 
to  "A  Guthrie  Wooing." 

This  is  one  of  the  few  exceptions 
to  the  rule  that  a  sulphitic  thing 
can  become  bromidic.  Time  alone 
can  accomplish  this  effect.  Litera 
ture  itself  is  either  bromidic  or  sul 
phitic.  The  dime  novel  and  melo 
drama,  with  hackneyed  situations, 
once  provocative,  are  so  easily 
nitro-bromidic  that  they  become 
sulphitic  in  burlesque  and  parody. 


Metaphysically,  Sulphitism  is 
easily  explained  by  the  theory  of 
Absolute  Age.  We  have  all  seen 
children  who  seem  to  be,  mentally, 
with  greater  possibility  of  growth 
than  their  parents.  We  see  per 
sons  who  understand  without  ex 
perience.  It  is  as  if  they  had  lived 
before.  It  is  as  if  they  had  a  defi 
nite  Absolute  Age.  We  recognize 
and  feel  sympathetic  with  those  of 
our  caste — with  those  of  the  same 
age,  not  in  years,  but  in  wisdom. 
Now  the  standard  of  spiritual  in 
sight  is  the  person  of  a  thousand 
years  of  age.  He  knows  the  rela 
tive  Importance  of  Things.  And 
it  might  be  said,  then,  that  Bro 
mides  are  individuals  of  less  than 
five  hundred  years;  Sulphites, 
those  who  are  over  that  age.  In 
some  dim  future  incarnation,  per 
haps,  the  Bromide  will  leap  into 
sulphitic  apprehension  of  exist 
ence.  It  is  the  person  who  is  Ab- 


solutely  Young  who  says,  "Alas, 
I  never  had  a  youth — I  don't  un 
derstand  what  it  is  to  be  young! 
and  he  who  is  Absolutely  Old  re 
marks,  blithely,  "Oh,  dear,  I  can't 
seem  to  grow  up  at  all!"  One  is 
a  Bromide  and  the  other  a  Sul 
phite — and  this  explanation  illu 
minates  the  paradox. 


The  Sulphite  brings  a  'fresh"  eye 
to  life.  He  sees  everything  as  if 
for  the  first  time,  and  not  through 
the  blue  glasses  of  convention.  As 
if  he  were  a  Martian  newly  come 
to  earth,  he  sees  things  separated 
from  their  environment,  tradition, 
precedent — the  dowager  without 
her  money,  the  politician  without 
his  power,  the  sage  without  his 
poverty;  he  sees  men  and  women 
for  himself.  He  prefers  his  own 


observation  to  any  a  priori  theories 
of  society.  He  knows  how  to 
work,  but  he  knows,  too  (what  the 
Bromide  does  never) ,  how  to  play, 
and  he  plays  with  men  and  women 
for  the  joy  of  life,  and  his  own 
particular  game.  Though  his 
view  be  eccentric  it  is  his  own  view, 
and  though  you  may  avoid  him, 
you  can  never  forget  or  ighore 


And  so,  too,  using  an  optical 
symbolism,  we  may  speak  of  the 
Sulphite  as  being  refractive — 
every  impression  made  upon  him 
is  split  up  into  component  rays  of 
thought — he  sees  beauty,  humor, 
pathos,  horror,  and  sublimity.  The 
Bromide  is  reflective,  and  the  ob 
ject  is  thrown  back  unchanged, 
unanalyzed;  it  is  accepted  without 


interrogation.  The  mirrored  bro- 
midic  mind  gives  back  only  what 
it  has  taken.  To  use  the  phrase 
ology  of  Harvard  and  Radcliffe, 
the  Sulphite  is  connotative, 
Bromide  denotative. 


But  the  theory  is  constructive 
rather  than  destructive.  It  makes 
for  content,  and  peace.  By  this 
philosophy  one  sees  one's  friends 
revealed.  Though  the  Bromide 
will  never  say  whether  he  prefers 
dark  or  white  meat;  though  he  in 
flict  upon  you  the  words,  "Why, 
if  two  hundred  years  ago  people 
had  been  told  that  you  could  talk 
through  a  wire  they  would  have 
hanged  the  prophet  for  witch 
craft!"  though  he  repeats  the  point 


of  his  story,  rolling  it  over  on  hk 
tongue,  seeking  for  a  second  laugh; 
though  he  says,  "Dinner  is  my  best 
meal" — he  cannot  help  it.  You 
know  he  is  a  Bromide,  and  you  ex 
pect  no  more. 


You  will  notice,  also,  in  discuss 
ing  this  theory  with  your  friends, 
that  the  Bromide  will  take  up,  writh 
interest,  only  the  bromidic  aspect 
of  life.  The  term  will  amuse  him, 
and,  never  thinking  that  it  should 
be  applied  to  himself,  he  will  use 
the  word  "Bromide"  in  season  and 
out  of  it.  To  the  Sulphite,  how 
ever,  Sulphitism  is  a  thing  to  be 
watched  for,  cultivated,  and  treas 
ured.  He  will  search  long  for  the 
needle  in  the  haystack,  and  leave 


the  bromidiom  to  be  observed  by 
the  careless,  thoughtless  Bromide. 
And,  as  the  supreme  test,  it  may  be 
remarked  that,  should  buttons  be 
put  on  the  market,  bearing  the 
names  "Bromide"  and  "Sulphite" 
in  blue  and  red,  a  few  minutes'  re 
flection  will  convince  the  Sulphite 
that,  before  long,  all  the  Bromides 
would  be  wearing  the  red  Sulphite 
buttons,  and  all  the  Sulphites  the 
blue  Bromide.  Such  is  the  ration 
ale  of  the  perverse* 


TJromides  we  may  love,  and 
even  marry.  Your  own  mother, 
your  sister,  your  sweetheart,  may 
be  bromidic,  but  you  are  not  less 
affectionate.  They  are  restful 
and  soporific.  You  may  not  have 


61 


understood  them;  before  you  heard 
of  the  Sulphitic  Theory  you  were 
annoyed  at  their  dullness,  their 
dogmas,  but,  with  this  white  light 
illuminating  them,  you  accept 
them,  now,  for  what  they  are,  and, 
expecting  nothing  original  from 
them,  you  find  a  new  peace  and  a_ 
new  joy  in  their  society.  ''You 
may  estimate  your  capacity  for  the 
Comic,"  says  Meredith — and  the 
statement  might  be  applied  as  well 
to  the  Bromidic — "by  being  able  to 
detect  the  ridicule  of  them  you 
love,  without  loving  them  less." 


The  Bromide  has  no  salt  nor 
spice  nor  savor — but  he  is  the  bread 
of  Society,  the  veriest  staff  of  life. 
And  if,  like  Little  Jack  Horner, 


you  can  occasionally  put  in  your 
thumb  and  pull  out  a  sulphitic 
plum  from  your  acquaintance,  be 
thankful  for  that,  too! 


"HIS  BOO 


14  DAY  USE 

'ESK  PROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT. 


ft-' 


REC'D  LD 


APR    9'65-GPIVIpii^r-;: 


LD  2lA-50m-8'61 

' 


T   .General  Library 


U.C?BSKELEY  LIBRARIES 


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